Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 7- The Dragon And The Wolf

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 7- The Dragon And The Wolf

August 30, 2017

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THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

It’s the finale of Series 7. This blog has got a lot of unexpected traction and it’s been a delight to write, despite being a lot of words to write every week, but you know, I’ve managed to keep to my weekly schedule. Hey, George RR Martin, perhaps you should take a leaf out from my book…

Thank you for reading and thank you for enjoying it. Hopefully I’ll see you when Season 8 comes out (if there isn’t a pesky nuclear armageddon by then). If you enjoy this you will probably enjoy my other projects. Keep up to date with my work by following me. Find my live dates at www.matthosscomedy.com (you can also check out things there like my podcast: The Drunken Comedian Podcast). You can follow me @MattHossComedy on facebook and twitter. And whilst you are there - why don't you post about this blog?

But here is Episode 7: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF – which is a great pub name (I imagine it has ales like “Sandor’s Burnt Chicken”, “Joffrey’s Murder Mischief Delight” and “Bolton’s Bastard Blossom”). I digress… here is EPISODE 7!

Cockraki

The episode starts with The Unsullied outside the walls of King's Landing who patiently wait for further orders. However the Dothraki arrive late and decide to show off and humiliate the punctual Unsullied. The Dothraki were probably late because they were having sex and killing each other, whereas the Unsullied are just too keen and professional, so they arrived at the battlefield early. Dothrakis are like Jocks and Unsullied are nerds; as is proved as we see Dothraki giving the Unsullied a wedgie, breaking their thick reading glasses and taking their lunch money. Those guys are such pointdexters!

Inside the walls of King’s Landing, Hot oil is made to be poured on the enemy. This oil was taken from the  deep-fat fryers from the aforementioned ‘Dragon and Wolf’ pub. Bronn supervises this (by which I mean he is the manager of the pub). The oil is leftover from all the baked goods that Hot Pie makes.  

In a world of wights, dragons and the fate of the entire world at stake, Bronn really has his priorities straight: he still demands to be made a lord.  Bronn complains about the Unsullied to Jaime “Men without cocks… wouldn’t find me in an army if I had no cock… what’s left to fight for?”. Bronn isn’t great at small talk is he? Maybe just ask about the weather? Jaime replies bluntly “Gold? Honour? Pride? Survival? Heroism? For love? For protection? For right and wrong? To fight for yourself!?!!”

Bronn replies “Fuck that”.

This triggers Jaime to have an existential crisis and he asks “What if it is all just cocks in the end?”. I think Voltaire wrote that once. Renly and Oberyn are thrilled at the idea but Theon and Varys upset at this notion.

THE WORLD’S GREATEST CROSSOVER EPISODE

The meeting involves ALL THE MAJOR characters from the show all in a single meeting. All roads lead to the Dragonpit. It’s so surreal to see all the characters at the Dragonpit and it is like a crossover episode except everyone is trying desperately not to murder each other at any given moment. When the dragons arrive, if they accidentally sneeze out fire onto this group, the next series would be pretty bare. It would just be Sam trying to fend off the White Walkers by himself (whilst Gilly would just be annoying him with asinine bullshit about Sam Jr.).

A lot of characters have snippets of conversations with people they’ve missed dearly or have attempted to murder. OR BOTH.  The Hound mostly just says “FUCK OFF” to everyone who attempts conversation with him. Did you know that both Sandor and Bronn use the same script: it’s just “Fuck off” scrawled onto a napkin. The scriptwriters took an early day when writing their scripts. The meeting goes ahead at the Dragonpit and here are some basic statistics.

"FUCK OFF... oh sorry that was Sandor's line. Apologies"

DRAGONPIT STATS:

Awkward family reunions :3 – (Clegane, Lannisters Greyjoys)

Amount of healthy discussions about their family issues:  0

Amount of Davos’ Razzler magazines in shot: 45

The amount of sexual tension: [OFF THE CHARTS]

The amount of time The Hound spent fighting beyond the wall: 36 Hours

The amount of time The Hound spent travelling to King’s landing: 2 weeks

The amount of time The Hound spent at the meeting before fucking off: 2 minutes. 

Number of Cleganebowls: 0 L

Amount of #Hype: Unreal standards

Amount of Ed Sheeran appearances in this series: Too many.

How many callbacks in this blog about Ed Sheeran: Too many.

How many times an expletive has been at the meeting: 708

How many words in a script: 719.

Distasteful Dwarf Jokes made: 1

How many people laughed: 0 (even Theon commented it was shit).

How many tits on screen this series: Not as many as people make out or would have liked.

How many dicks on screen: Just Bronn. 

Westeros' Got Talent is really something this year. Those judges are hard to impress.

Dany arrives fashionably late on her brand new Dragon Uber (Brand new Ice theme now available). Euron gets the summit rolling with important business. What shall they discuss first? The dragons? The white walkers? NO- the Iron Islands- OBVIOUSLY! Everyone sighs and takes a nap. Euron is told to sit down by Cersei. I mean, how annoying does Euron have to be if Cersei has to be the one telling him to calm down.

The most necessary subtitle ever.

The wight is unleashed and it comes out to attack Cersei. She is genuinely scared. The group sees something terrifying, rare and magical – Cersei is polite to her guests. It did require a magical being but yes, she was civil for 5 minutes. What a character arc.

They chop it in half (the Wight not Cersei), set on fire and Qyburn gets a massive boner about it all. Jon then demonstrates professionally how to kill off a white walker, and he makes it seem like a Dragon’s Den pitch and it is rather effective. “We’re asking for 50 million dollars, half of westeros and an army that can vanquish the dead – oh and for you not to murder me”.

The Queen contemplates their offer. Meanwhile, Euron leaves the meeting as the wight is the only thing that he has ever seen that terrifies him. Well except self-awareness and commitment. He pulls away his forces from the Lannisters. Despite this Cersei agrees to a truce…

TRUCE ACTIVATED!

… IF Jon stays out of the war between Dany and Cersei. But seeing as he has just Bent The Knee for Dany, he can’t exactly follow through with that. So Jon could lie to a known villainous Queen to save the world OR he could tell her the truth and ruin everything and kill Westeros because of “Honour” (which was the same thing that killed Ned Stark).  Well like, father like son – Jon tells the truth. Idiot. Cersei hates the truth and leaves the meeting.

TRUCE RETRACTED-

TRUCE OFFLINE.

Everyone reacts to Jon’s decision in the same way. “Ermm Thanks I suppose? But what the fuck Jon? You have messed this one up big time”. Jon replies “WELL what about honour?” Everyone shouts back in unison “FUCK HONOUR!”. Jon gets upset about words meaning nothing and says that lies devalue the meaning of promises. He's not wrong, but maybe Jon can tell that to the legion of white walkers that are coming this way. Maybe they’ll agree?

"I've made a huge mistake"

Sibling rivalry

Tyrion goes in to see Cersei by himself which is like walking into a Lion’s den (literally). Jaime says his goodbye as he doesn’t expect to see his brother again – ever the optimist. Tyrion walks into Cersei’s chamber. Tyrion reminisces “Ah last time I was in this area, I killed my backstabbing foreign prostitute/girlfriend AND my father who was sleeping with her, before fleeing to Essos as a fugitive- Good times”.

The siblings catch-up with one another, with some small talk like “Oh – you killed my children” “You humiliated me and tried to kill me” and “the weather is nice”. That’s how my family talk to each other too. Tyrion has quite the gambit and openly asks to be killed by Ser Gregor. Ser Gregor is confused – or  at least I think he is. I don’t know. To be honest, anything could be behind those eyes. Gregor doesn’t really do much- he is just like an accessory for Cersei. A big, walking, monstrous killing accessory. Fashionable too. 

Tyrion pours out wine for them both and they settle their differences. They drink the wine and Tyrion finds out that Cersei is preggers. He was going to tell her off for drinking the wine, but I think the relationship was fragile enough without telling her off further. They go back to the group and announce that…

TRUCE REACTIVATED. 

TRUCE ENHANCED.(alliance.mod)

TRUCE ONLINE

…Cersei has committed her forces to the fight against the White Walkers. HOLY SHIT – EVERYONE IS WORKING TOGETHER. WHAT IS HAPPENING. I am a bit annoyed. Everyone should be caring about their own ego and be opposing each other for trivial reasons. I can’t stand for this unity. Fortunately the next scene has EXACTLY what I’m looking for…

The secondary character club is having a blast.

You know what they say: Little finger, Little….

Here is the 'bitter' to the 'sweetness' in the prior scene. The 'Little' to the 'finger'. The 'Giant' to the 'prick'. Baelish attempts to turn Sansa against Arya and to ultimately discredit Jon as King Of The North. I don’t think anyone really knows what LF’s long term plan is. I don’t think he does. I think he like to be conniving and mysterious. Like a cartoon villain. Because if she unnames Jon, he assumes that Sansa will be Lady of Winterfell (she won’t-  it would surely be Bran? Remember him?) Who knows what he had plans for. 

Littlefinger tries to play a game with Sansa, but she rejects his advance to play “Find the pickle” (I don't even think that it is a real game).  Instead they play the “Worst situation game”  which is a board game coming out soon for very dysfunctional families (I've bought 7 copies). Littlefinger feeds and exploits Sansa’s doubts. Littlefinger is the personification of paranoia and self-doubt, making the scene look like a anti-drugs campaign advert but done by casting a pervert to be the effects of cannabis.

Arya is called for trial.  She goes in and a door ominously behind her is closed. Nothing good ever happens when a door is shut behind a Stark. I was scared, as if I had PTSD from the Red Wedding (YOU WEREN’T THERE MAAAN). Sansa formally addresses the court about the trial and begins the formalities with legal talk towards her sister. Arya elegantly replies with a dignified “alright then. Get on with it pet”. A poet. Sansa charges the crimes of Murder and treason to PETYR BAELISH. SANSA does the ol’ two-one flip onto LF and accuses him of murder.

-          "I've made a huge mistake”

Littlefinger writhes like a pathetic worm and attempts to worm his way out, of the situation.  But the three Starks unite and throw everything at him and he crumbles quickly. Littlefinger’s line of defense  is being outraged, pleading, confessing love and begging. Here is what it bottles down too

Littlefinger’s defense:

LF: I love your mum

Starks:… okay?

LF: I love you SANSA?

Sansa: Gross

-          

Some of the Westeros' Got Talent contestants get a little too desperate to please...

Bran, does his only useful thing this series, uses his powers of being able to see absolutely everything, to quote what LF has said about Jon Arryn when he was behind closed doors. Bran is essentially CCTV evidence.

The trial isn’t really much of a trial. They just blame Littlefinger, the court mildly agrees and then Arya mercilessly slays Littlefinger. I guess some could say she had a STONEHEART (That joke is exclusively for book fans). Littlefinger is dead. And I was really surprised at myself… as I was actually a little sad. I KNOW. I’ve been hating on him for ages, but seeing how pathetic and powerless he was made me feel for him. I now know what girls feel like after I ask them out. Fortunately they don’t slit my throat (most of the time).  Sansa and Arya start bonding over the execution of Littlefinger. ("*Teehee* we murdered him in court *teehee*") How sweet.  They start mending wounds and become BFFs again (whilst Bran is sat outside in the cold). Nevertheless, the pack survives.

We are NEVER NEVER NEVER, getting back together

Jaime, understandably, begins sending troops to Winterfell as had been agreed by the impromptu alliance to fight the White walkers. Cersei is angry at Jaime for following through with the agreed plan and for not instantly betraying all of his friends/allies/people that will keep their family from dying.

TRUCE OFFLINE. 

BACKSTAB ONLINE.

It’s weird that Jon almost killed everyone for his honour, but Cersei is willing to kill everyone for her lack of honour. Jaime feels awful as he made a promise to people he respects. His pledge means something now (and this is significant as Jaime is such a different character to what he was in Series 1- He is no longer "Kingslayer" but "Jaime"). Jaime is now SO HONOURABLE that he would only push a small boy from a window when he is caught having sex IF that boy was a White Walker OR Ed Sheeran.

Jaime points out how stupid and trivial Cersei’s plan is. If the dead win now, they will be killed. If Dany and Jon win, they will be killed for betrayal. It’s a no-win situation. But instead or arguing with facts or reason, Cersei asks “What happened to the third dragon?” which is the Westeros equivalent to “Yeah but what about her emails?”. On top of that, Cersei also has an amazing wealth on her side, due to the Iron Bank. Cersei is essentially Trump. Lots of money, huge ego and a weird sexual attraction to their own family members. All Cersei needs is a twitter account and some fake tan and you won’t be able to tell them apart.

Jaime and Cersei fight nastily as Jaime realises that Euron and Cersei had plotted without Jaime’s knowledge. Cersei still promises Euron marriage: which you know, as Jaime is her lover, I can imagine why he might be annoyed. Tensions spark and Jaime effectively decides to leave Cersei, for good. 

"I've made a huge mistake"

Cersei barks at Jaime “NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM ME”. That’s true, but they are able to limp away, crawl away,& be transported by ambulance away. The Mountain unsheathes his sword and Cersei threatens his life. In a moment of terror, Jaime calls to be killed (the second Lannister brother to do that in this episode) and he leaves King's Landing on a horse. Jaime and Cersei are no more. Eek What a messy break-up. Are they going to remain friends? Well at least they can still be brother and sister. Jaime rides off into the distance – presumably to find Tyrion… maybe to see if there is any romance still available on that side of the family tree. Out with one sibling, in with the other.

Let’s finish on a high note. IT’S SAM AND BRAN.

Sam arrives in Winterfell. *sighs everywhere*. He goes to meet Bran. Why? Dunno. Who cares!? Not me!

Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?

Bran: Became the Three eyed raven

Sam: Oh.

Sam, like a parent trying to understand what the new thing technology their child is into is, simply says “oh” and pretends to know what it is. In the next season, Sam is taught by Bran how to turn on a computer,  send emails and how to use a mobile telephone. It’s essentially the first half of I, Daniel Blake. In all fairness, Bran is a dick for just expecting people to know what "THE THREE EYED RAVEN" is all the time. Could you try and be a bit more helpful and less mopey. How can someone that sees everything be so blind to social conventions.

After years of skirting around the rumour that Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar are Jon’s true parents – Bran just comes out as says it bluntly. Suspense 101. Sam and Bran, like the worlds’ worst detectives, figure out that Jon is actually the true to the throne. But obviously, knowledge of his heritage won’t bring any problems for Jon… AND he’s fucking his Auntie.

Then we start seeing Jon and Dany rocking the boat to Winterfell. They see that Jaime and Cersei have finally split up so they feel that can start their relationship. Obviously there can only be one incest power couple in Westeros at a single time. Don’t ask what the Night King is going to do if he wins Westeros…

The series ends with the White Walkers marching through the wall, which the Ice Dragon has melted down. It’s a terrifying scene. I mean, it has taken them seven seasons to get there. But still, we witness a terrifying end to series seven…

Winter has come.

Next year's applicants for Westeros' Got Talent look FIERCE.

FINAL SHIT THIS WEEK:

-       Jon says to Dany “You’re not like everyone else”. “Oh that’s romantic”. “By which I mean, that you are a dragon queen, killed lots of slavers, burnt an entire Khalasar and has had sex with their nephew”. I think I’ve seen that on a Hallmark card once.

-          Bran “I remember everything”. Forgets crucial detail about Jon Snow’s heritage. What a dick. 

-   Theon, Westeros’ most spat-on character, becomes Roshambo champion of Westeros. Also he continues to drive the plot to the most boring plotline to save Yara/Asha/Potentially Lily Allen. This Reeks!

- 
         Hodor? Hodor!

-       The Ice Dragon melts the wall and fast-tracks Global Warming. The armies of the north are fighting to protect the now-endangered polar bears. WWF are leading the fight against the White Walkers.

Thank you for reading. Please share with your friends.

See you next year.

Valar Morghulis 

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 6 - Beyond The Wall

August 23, 2017
Want a version with picture? You baby. Click through here:
http://bendthekneegot.blogspot.com/2017/08/bend-knee-series-7-episode-6-beyond-wall.html

Hello? Anyway, fuck the intro – here is episode 6.

Suicide Squad (But without any Jokers)

Is this the way to Amarillo? No – it’s the way to having 7 burly men walk in frosty silence, probably to their deaths. It is the super group we have all been waiting for: The Magnificently Incompatible 7. They are all like a superhero squad as they have different superpowers and abilities.

Jon Snow: He’s the leader and has the power to have daddy issues and avoid death a lot.

The Hound: The power to swear a lot and eat chicken. 

Jorah: The power of unrequited love and a lot of self-pity.

Tormund: The power to have a big beard.

Gendry: The power to be young and have a big hammer (like Thor)

Thoros: The power to bring people back to life.

Beric: The Power to be brought back to life (and has a cool sword)

Jon breaks the ice (literally) by asking Gendry “Have you ever been North of the Wall before?”.

Gendry says “I’ve never seen Snow before”. Jon says “I’m beautiful aren’t I?”. Gendry blushes.

Jon asks “How do you keep you balls from freezing off”. Tormund replies“Fighting, Moving and FUCKING IS best”. The  heroes all look around in confusion. “But Tormund…There aren’t any girls around”. Tormund grins maniacally  and whispers: “I DON’T MIND IF YOU DON’T”. Jon Snow shivers and whispers “This is not the Same-sex scenes I was hoping for…”

The Brotherhood asks Gendry if they forgive him yet.

Gendry: YOU SOLD ME TO A WITCH!

Thoros: Nah – it was only a priestess

Which is essentially what every conversation on Twitter boils down to: Never admitting your failure, and dismissing any legitimate arguments if they got a technicality slightly incorrect. They keep on talking and Thoros says “But you know – at least you got laid Gendry AND THAT kinda led to the death of three kings”. Tormund looks over, licking his lips “He sounds VERY good in bed”.

The Hound steps over to tell Gendry to stop complaining (and in all fairness, with all the characters in that squad, they all have more baggage than RyanAir’s lost and found- and Gendry has had it pretty light) and the Hound says “Well Beric has died 6 times and he doesn’t bitch about it”. This is the world’s biggest guilt trip. The perfect conversation closer.  

Jorah and Jon discuss their history and chat to one another. They get on nicely, seeing as they are essentially the same character and only have one monotonous feeling. Jon decides to give Jorah Longclaw which is really sweet. What is with the men of the Night’s Watch giving Jorah lots of really nice and priceless things – like a family heirloom or a cure to the incurable Greyscale.  Jorah prays that Dany joins the Night’s watch so she can give him some love.

The Hound exhibits lovely Westeros charm and hospitality to the free folk. 

Tormund: You’re the one they call the Dog?

Hound: Fuck off.

If I had to to show people what “Game Of Thrones” really was – I’d show them that. All it needs  is a pair of tits in the background.  Tormund asks whether The Hound is being mean to him because he is a wildling. The Hound replies “I don’t give a shit about wildlings. I just hate gingers”. Which is a backhanded tolerance from the Hound. But maybe he hates gingers because their hair looks like it’s always on fire. Or maybe he just REALLY hates Ed Sheeran.

Tormund tries to be The Hound’s therapist and discusses the root of his meanness. This is Tormund we are talking about. Tormund ‘massive ginger wildling brute that wants to fuck and kill everything’ Giantsbane.  I may have to change my Councillor to someone with blood smeared across their face as they ask me “So tell me about your week?”.  The Hound ends the conversation, as he does with every conversation, “How does a mad fucker like you survive this long?”. I love Mr. Clegane.

This episode really doesn’t pull any punches and it really starts spending it’s budget. Firstly they fight some zombie bears with flaming swords. I feel like my inner-teenager in me (not in a Pycelle way) is loving it and going crazy for this. This Zombear  is lethal and there are some random people in this squad. Obviously the additional people (who were never introduced or explained for being there) die first as they had a clear marker over their head which said “Expendable” (and it probably says the same in the credits. Expendable number 1 will be sorely missed.  

Then the Zombear is SET ON FIRE. Teenage me is having his mindblown! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. However having great massive flames is also The Hound’s greatest fear (other than love) so he doesn’t get involved. Thoros is gutted but healed by the fire sword. Teenage me is paralysed with coolness.

Then, to cut a long thing short, they capture a dead thing and shit hits the fan as an army of dead approaches them. I've saved you 20 minutes. Jon demands Gendry to flee with a message.

 “GENDRY – you are the fastest – go back to Eastwatch now!”

“It took me 3 years to row a boat!”.

However, Gendry’s track records improves heavily and decides to replicate the run at Marathon. Gendry runs for two minutes and he arrives at the wall. Gendry is calculated to have a running speed of 300mph. He’s going to join the Westeros Olympic team soon.

We're going tot nee a bigger boat

The group of angry yet emotionally vulnerable men get surrounded on all sides and are trapped by a sheet  of breaking ice. I guess you could say they were **ON THIN ICE** (Dabs). Expendable man 2 Is down and everyone is saddened and takes a minute silence.  And what looks like the world’s most epic moshpit – they are unfortunately stuck in the middle trapped by legions of the dead. Emotionally, It feels like going home to my family for Christmas.  

COLDfinger

Arya does her best Sean bean impression and acts moody. Arya then discusses Episode one from Series 1. She does a very sweet monologue about shooting an arrow, gender politics and her father’s approval. And in true Arya fashion – she ends the conversation, as she does with all conversations by saying “And now he is dead”.  Arya, has murdered a lot of enemies, but the thing she has killed the most is joy.

Arya, in another bid for nostalgia, brings up a note that Sansa was forced to write for the Lannisters. Heat is thrown between the two sisters as they show their contempt for each other.  Though being on the same side, they play a game of “Who has been treated the worst”, a game in which nobody wins except Littlefinger.  The sisters are in icy territory – but not as bad as Jon though.  It would be great if there could be a mediator between the two – I don’t know, maybe the brother who can see into the future? Maybe that would work? No of course not, Bran is being useless as ever and sat in a room waaiting to be relevant to the plot.

Littlefinger continues to be a prick.

Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing, but decides to send Brienne down for some convoluted reason. She objects and suggests she shouldn’t leave Sansa when Littlefinger around. Brienne is the least savvy person in the world and even she can tell that Littlefinger is up to some fucking shit. If she knows to be wary, you know you are in danger. Sansa really has that Cersei vibe, and ends up insulting Brienne and hurts one of the only people that truly cares for her.

The final Sansa scene is just really weird as she finds Arya’s bag of –erm- faces? Maybe Arya is into some really kinky shit? I wish Arya had tried to explain it better: “Erm – I’m holding them for a friend?”. But no – Arya goes into full psychopath and threatens to slice off her sister’s face. Can you feel the sisterly love? I’m starting to understand why maybe they were kept apart for 6 series.  After this encounter, Arya got so drunk. She was absolutely off her face.

Dany, the Dragon Queen of the universe.

“Tyrion is not a hero” says Dany. Tyrion gets upset.  I think Tyrion is heroic – but not in a fighting way, or a way that he succeeds, or that he fights against evil, he kills his family… actually I think I’ve changed my mind. 

Tyrion tells Dany that Jon fancies her. Dany denies it but then Tyrion retorts with “Oh I suppose he looks longingly at you for a strong military alliance”. That’s a great euphemism but I’m not sure what for. Dany then considers this, but says “He’s too small for me”. Missandei pops her head in and says “Smallness has never been a problem for me. Grey Worm and I have done… many things”.

Cersei becomes the subject of conversation. Dany says “Well she’d rather kill me than sit down to talk to me”. In all fairness, with Cersei, that’s pretty much everyone – just don’t take it personally. She even does this for her children and lovers.

This is a scene where Tyrion needs to make Dany listen and be open to suggestions. This creates an awkward conversation in which Dany gets annoyed and Tyrion is trying to be considerate and diplomatic. They act as if they are an married couple who hate each other

Tyrion: Honey, we need to talk

Dany: About what?

Tyrion: Well- you have been really impulsive recently…

Dany: What are you talking about. I’ll burn you alive!

Tyrion: This is actually what I’m talking about. First you set the neighbours on fire, then you are burning the Tarlys…        

Dany: YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING UP THE TARLYS. 

Tyrion:  You burnt them both alive when you could have had a better outcome.

Dany: Yeah but one of them did have a silly name. 

Tyrion: Yes but that’s beside the point. 

Dany: IT WAS NECESSARY. And you want to choose a successor? YOU’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY DEATH TOO.

Tyrion: Dany…

Dany: I’m staying at my sisters. By “my sisters” I mean, I’m staying in a cave for three days with my dragons.

Dany flies off in a huff to north of the wall to help out. Tyrion buys her petrol shop flowers to say sorry when she returns.

Farewells and new beginnings

(also know as ‘Can’t think of a pun – but the last 30 mins are amazing’)

Thoros dies whilst the group endures the wait.  The Hound, in his honour, steals his wine and drinks it immediately. Grief hits us all in different ways.  Beric’s party trick wears thin but uses it to set Thoros body on fire. They discuss the next plan of attack. But before they can decide on a solid plan they realise that the ice is solid and firm (unlike their plan). The Hound hurls a stone and lands on the ice and the skeletons get moving. The Hound’s days of skimming stones are over. Expendable 3 is down instantly and I shot a rifle in the sky for his honour. Lest we forget.

Tormund is in danger and seeing as he is partly responsible for the situation, The Hound goes into megadrive and saves Tormundd’s life, on the brink of death. The Hound does this because he considers Tormund to be a close friend. By a close friend, I mean someone he hasn’t called a “Cunt” for a couple of hours. They say that they are no heroes in Game of Thrones, but that was a mighty heroic thing to do. The Hound will still act like an arsehole but still, it was really sweet. Tormund will still be able to go on his date with Brienne yet.

This is the point where my notes kind of stopped as I was utterly absorbed by the whole battle. So here is what I could sum up from my notes:

Dragons are so cool.

Nailed it! This destruction of the dragons are intense and it’s great to finally have a worthy competitor for the White Walkers. However this obviously comes at a high cost. The Night king hurls the ice bolt into one of the Dragons and kills it. I was genuinely squealing with sadness.  I’ve haven’t felt this sad since the Red Wedding. Actually the last time I felt so bad when Drogon was hit by the ballista two episodes ago, but still my point remains:  I’ve never felt so sad. R.I.P Viserion. You will be sorely missed (Like the expendables).

The remaining dragons fly away without Jon, but saving the others. GOT main characters are impervious to drowning apparently. And hyperthermia.  Then Uncle Benjen comes (from nowhere) to save Jon from the freezing cold and fights off Whitewalkers to save him. Benjen is just a nickname, his real name is  ‘Deus Ex Benjen’ and  comes along to save Jon in the nick of time.  

The group meets after being saved and say their farewells. There is another dosage of The Hound’s charm and heart-wrenching rhetoric.

Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane. 

Hound: Fucking hope not

He sounds like a character from F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Imagine if The Hound just turned up in the Great Gatsby. 

“Hey There old sport…”

“WHERE’S THE FUCKING WINE”

“Just follow the green light…”

Hopefully, the Green light is where The Mountain is. #Cleganebowl #GetHyped.

Jon arrives at the wall and he is recovered by Dany. Jon apologies straight away and they have this heartfelt moment and Dany pledges all her forces to help defeat the Night King. Say what you want about the Night King, but he is really good at bringing people together. And he certainly did bring people closer... as Jon proposes to Daenerys.  I guess Jon did bend the knee in a different manner. Jaime and Cersei – take note- this how you do incest PROPERLY.

This episode was the right amount of awesomeness and heartbreak that an episode should have. It was pitch perfect Game Of Thrones episode (apart from the time logic, Arya being weird and a distinct lack of sex recently). But the finale of the episode ends on a bittersweet notion. The White Walkers take Viserion’s corpse and make an Ice Dragon. AN ICE DRAGON!!!  Teenage me has transcended awesomeness and  has now passed out in a fit of overhype. 

Other shit this week

Expendable 4 is down. The next episode is dedicated to the memory of him.

Jaime and Cersei  try to pick a name for their unborn incestuous product. They think maybe Jaime if it’s a boy or Cersei if it’s a girl. They clearly like keeping it within their own family.

Jon and Beric  bond about the one thing they have in common – how they are brought back from the dead. They compare notes and share tips and tricks for resurrection.

Beric says that “Death is the enemy”. Funnily enough this is actually a tattoo I have on my back next to 18 skeletons and a picture of the 7 layers of hell. I’m a real hoot to be around.

Brienne and Tormund go for an elegant first date to a 5 star gourmet restaurant, with some light jazz in the background. They do small talk about wine and enjoy their crab entrée. This last five minutes before they attempt to murder each other. They will meet for a second date. 

Please like and share before the finale next week! 

Bend The Knee - Series 7 Episode 5: EASTWATCH (from August 2017)

August 16, 2017

(Reposting on the website from two year ago)

BEND THE KNEE: Series 7 Episode 5:EASTWATCH

Welcome back!
Great to have you back to Bend The Knee (as Dany is desperate for Lannister soldiers and Kings to do). We have another week or mirth, fire and plotholes (The three gifts I received by the Three wise men on my birthday).  Spoilers ahead.
Also if you enjoy this, please leave a comment and share. It'd be well appreciated!

BaeWatchWe jump straight back in (like Bronn did into the lake) to where we left off in the last episode. Bronn gives Jaime  hastily improvised swimming lessons by pushing him out of the way of dragon’s fire and miraculously saves him.
They drag themselves onto the sand, and barely make it out alive. Apart from the coughing up water and decimation of their army – they seem to be having a lovely, romantic day out together. They look like as if they’re recreating the beginning of ‘Grease’ where Danny and Sandy are making out on the beach – which works well as Danny saves Sandy’s life from drowning too. This would be a welcome plot twist, especially if the Game Of Thrones suddenly turned into a musical. Imagine Jaime and Bronn singing to each other: 

*summer loving*Bronn: Summer loving had me a blast (LITERALLY).Jaime: Summer loving happened so fast (That dragonfire nearly killed me). Bronn: Met a kingslayer, Crazy for me-e-e.Jaime:  Met a BRONN, rough as can be.Unison: Winter days drifting in, to-ah some White Walker nights. WELL-A-WELL-AMercenaries: TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE – Did he have both hands?Burnt Lannister soldiers: TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE – does he think with his glands?
Undoubtedly – Cersei is Rozzo in this situation. 
This leads nicely onto Bronn talking really romantically to Jaime. They are both heavily panting after making it out of the water alive. Jaime initiates the pillow talk with “You could have killed me?” which shows his utter gratitude to saving his life.  Bronn returns this love and compassion by saying “Listen Cunt, until I get what I’m owed, ONLY I GET TO KILL ya”. I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once.

The Lannisters significantly lost the battle and Jaime seems saddened to have made it out  alive as he has to tell his sister/Queen/lover the awful news.  He says to Bronn “I have to tell Cersei”  and Bronn replies ”may as well jump back in that river”. Bronn has a point as Jaime has already survived one attack by a scaled, cold-blooded creature that has a tendency for burning down important buildings.
Tyrion walks across the battlefield with mud everywhere, everything is on fire and there are many burnt –to-the-crisp soldiers. Tyrion looks in horror as he is not sure if he is at a battlefield or Day 5 of Glastonbury Festival. Tyrion hears the music of a ginger cameoing prick and shivers to find out where he is at. 
"If he plays Galway Girl ONE MORE FUCKING TIME..."
Due to the intense fire, people have fossilised in the positions they died in, like if they were like Pompeii. Say what you want about Dany‘s leadership but at least she is creating tourist attractions for Westeros and trying to create some revenue. There are barely any Westeros Tourist attractions apart from great landmarks like: Ramsey Bolton’s involuntarily limb museum, The Hound’s giant swear-jar  and Bran’s paint-drying wall.

Dany is on FIRE!The prisoners of the war are marched up to the hill where Drogon is sat upon a hill, where it looks like he is giving a sermon on the mount.
 “Alright everyone, turn your books to page 246 and we’ll read from Mark 20:2. Remember, no talking or I burn you alive.”
Dany offers these soldiers a pretty solid deal: join her and hang out with her cool dragon or get killed by the aforementioned cool dragon.  A hard choice which only idiots decline. And these idiots are Randall and Dickon (*teehee*) Tarly.  The Tarlys are oddly loyal to the Lannisters after only 5 minutes of taking their banner/side. What a weird time to ditch your pragmatism: Tarly has just betrayed the house he has supported for his entire life for money -  but NOW he decides to decline switching sides once again because he has honour and loyalty. Hmm. 
Randall Tarly gets a bit UKIPy as he explains that he doesn’t want foreigners coming over here and taking Westerosi jobs.  Dany explains she was born here and has a legitimate claim to the throne. Randall then lands a job with Breitbart, a column with the Mail Online and a show on LBC. For this, Dany sends them to their death.
Tyrion’s bonfire night is ruined by the Tarly’s being sentenced to becoming human marshmallows as they get very much toasted.  It’s odd, when Dany burns people, people love her:  but when Stannis burns his daughter EVERYONE HATES HIM (#ITSPCGONEMAD). But then again Dany has a cool flair, but Stannis is so bland that he makes Bran flakes look interesting. Or just make normal Bran look interesting.
Here Kit(y) Harington!


What a romance filled episode. First Bronn, Cersei and now Jon Snow has a romantic connection to the only thing he is able to match his moodiness with: A Dragon. They meet on top of the hilltop and have their Jack/Rose Titantic moment.

Dany assures  Jon to pet Drogon “DON’T WORRY – HE DOESN’T BITE” she says but mutters under her breath “But he does burn people alive and destroy cities...”.  Dragons are essentially like big cats – aren’t they?  They are cute but not afraid to kill you if you don’t feed them. They also both play with yarn/ the skulls of their enemies.
Near, far, wherever you are - I BELIVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO OONNNNNN
Drogon flies off and Dany talks:
Dany: They’re beautiful aren’t they?Jon: I just shat myself.  TerrifyingDany: Oh.Jon: Come on Dany. Get your shit together.Dany: Seems like you have done that already.
Jon is like a boyfriend being brought home for the first time. He is very nice a polite to Dany as he is trying to woo her still. But when gets to her house for the first time, he realises that she is a crazy dragon lady, but he still tries to be polite all the same: “Oh yes. He's really-yeah-cute They are – ahem- really nice. Really nice beasts”. “THEY ARENT BEASTS”.  "Uh - sorry?". But the Dragon does like him, meaning that Dany likes him even more. They even try some sexting afterwards.
Jon: Wuu2Dany: Conquering my enemies. U?
Jon: Nm. Can I stroke ur dragon again plzDany: That’s really gross.

Dany questions Jon about the Knife in the heart. Jon is about to answer before he is ‘Saved By The Jorah’ so  Jon doesn’t have to answer. Jorah is back and he is already very touchy feely. Jorah and Jon compete for the secret lusting of Dany and who has the biggest daddy issues. Dany favours Jorah so Jon stands grumpily in the background with a jealous look. Friendzoned.
Jon starts listening to Bowling For Soup to ail his wounds
Varys and Tyrion chat about a letter meant for Jon Snow.  Tyrion asks “Did you read this scroll for Jon snow?”. He replies “It’s for the king of the north… OF COURSE I READ IT!”.  Varys is like a one man NSA and collects everyone's information and has had far too many cookies. Plot twist: Edward Snowden takes him down in the next episode.
At the war council the team is tasked with some dangerous missions. Jon is tasked to capture a White Walker but even more perilous: Tyrion is tasked with talking to his brother. Worst of all Davos is tasked to smuggle in Tyrion alongside some Razzle magazines and duty-free cigarettes.
Bran-d New World
Bran starts warging/tripping on LSD and turns into a Raven who has just remember that it he has left the oven on at home.  
SHIT. I've seen the series finale.

Bran spots the Night King but no one heeds Winterfell’s cry for help. The white walkers are like Global warming. Everyone knows it’s an issue that is rapidly coming to destroy us, but people just don’t give a shit. They are apathetic until it affects them. There are many rich people who deny it even happens for their own monetary gain (they are called Republicans). 
Back in Winterfell,  Sansa is really Cersei-ing the place up. The northern lords are turning against Jon because, you know, he is trying to save their lives – what an unsuitable leader. Sansa is a glass of red wine and another bad marriage away from being the Queen of Westeros. Arya sees through this and disputes with her sister about it.  They collide politically as they have two different outlooks. This is like going home for Christmas with family. At first it’s lovely to see your family who you’ve missed, but after you realise why you left them in the first place, you’ve start to realise that they are the worst people  and refuse to see them until next year.
It’s a really sweet scene as we see Arya and Sansa show the seams of their brutal experiences whilst reflecting the people they have always been. Sansa wants to be diplomatic and unified, Arya wants to cut people’s heads off the instance they piss her off, but she is practical. Sansa explains that though that is satisfying you can’t do that to everyone: Sansa is the customer service end of the business and Arya is the muscle. Sansa is the Marks And Spencer’s, Arya is The late night petrol station which you desperately need. Arya thinks that Sansa is going to backstab Jon for power and control; Which I’m sure Jon would appreciate, he was stabbed in the front before, a back stab would be a nice change of pace.
(Hand Of The) King’s Landing
Tyrion arrives covertly with Davos in King’s Landing and reminisces on the good times by saying “Last time I was here I killed my father with a crossbow”.  I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once. However Davos takes it once step further and says “Last time I WAS here – you killed my son with wildfire”. Awkward.
They both leave for the boat and this scene unfolds.
Tyrion: Arent you staying with the boat?Davos: Nah pet, I’ve got mah own business in flea bottom like. Nuts magazine aren’t gonna sell themselves.Tyrion: What about the boat if it gets nicked?Davos: Then we are fucked (Necks a Guinness)
My firstborn child will be called Davos “motherfucking” Seaworth. Whilst Tyrion goes to meet Jaime for the first time since he killed their dad and captured their family home for a dragon queen, Davos goes to Flea Bottom to see Gendry (who?). Last time we Gendry was in Season 3 where he was just rowing away from Stannis, and we have assumed he had still been rowing continuously since no one mentioned him ever again. He only just arrived  -world’s slowest rower.
Davos greets him warmly (well they are standing next to a forge) and gives him some sage wisdom. Davos says “Nothing fucks you harder than time”. The question we are all asking is: Does time have a phone number I can use?  Davos’s answer: “Yes – it’s in the back pages of the aforementioned Razzle. Wye Aye”. Gendry agrees to the leave his home faster than Varys says yes to suncream on his head.
They head back to the boat but two guards find the boat.  Davos tries to persuade them with some fermented crab and apparently that is considered a bribe to Davos. To everyone else, it’s clear he has stopped taking his medication. This doesn’t work for long and Gendry offers his bribe – one free Warhammer to the head. Funnily enough, their faces now look like fermented crab. Gendry  makes a strong first impression to Tyrion, but then again it was a fantastic advert for his weapon making skills.Tasty, Tasty chlorinated chicken/ fermented crab. 


J’aime Cersei

Jaime heads back to the capital to report about what he has done to his Sister/Queen/Lover and he is not looking forward to doing this.  After his meeting with Tyrion he must confess that he has met Tyrion and must ask a favour for him. This is going to be incredibly awkward as Cersei will scorn him for this. Jaime walks in with Qyburn chatting to the Queen. Qyburn always wears a very heavy and dark cloak. He must always be sweating his balls off – doesn’t he have any other clothes in his wardrobe? Hopefully he wears pants under there and he isn't just commando. 
Jaime goes in to tell Cersei and awkwardness ensues, causing Jaime to have his very own Larry David moment with the help of some Curb Your Enthusiasm music. 

https://youtu.be/PPfmBGAoGrc

Cersei obviously already knows. But what Jaime doesn’t know is that Cersei is pregnant again. She is about to have another child she can raise to be an arsehole or kill off- how sweet. Jaime asks who they are going to say the father is. Cersei says “you”. More curb music plays.
Cersei tries to reassure him with a quote from their father:  “The Lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep” and Jaime finds solace in that. However when Tywin said that I think he was thinking that quote to be used in regards to wars and in ruling Westeros -  not  to do advocate his children to fuck each other. Wrong context.  Cersei ends this romantic/sickening interlude by saying to Jaime “Never Betray Me Again”. I think I’ve seen that on a Hallmark card once.

Tardy Tarly

Major spoilers here guys – don’t go forward unless you want to hear some major spoilers. You have been warned: 
The Citadel confirmed to have 15,782 steps. Wow.How much fucks do I give about that conversation: 0.
"Gilly - stop using that Hallmark Card joke. It's wearing thin and you aren't Stewart Lee".
15,782 Steps is a lot of members in a pop band. Also apparently accordingly to Gilly that there was a High Septon who recorded all of his bowel movements and Sam jokes to say it was 15,782 poos recorded. Maybe as a performance art piece, this religious leader pooped on every single step. I did that once during Fresher’s week.  It would also drastically change the Rent song: Seasons of love. “15,782 minutes, 15,782 poops on a staircase, 15,782 moments so dear”.


Sam is just trying to figure out the secret of saving the world, but Gilly is giving him shit (literally) so he gets snappy with her. So snappy that she reveals a big ol’ spoiler and he doesn't notice.  Tried to fly that under the radar didn’t you HBO? You cheeky fucking devils. Ragger Targaryen got an annulment huh? Sam leaves the citadel after fulfilling Jorah’s plot arc and gets bored of his own plotline. He leaves to become a burden elsewhere.
Fuck me this episode is long

The final scene has Jon unite some awkward encounters. Jon meets The Hound who is with the Brotherhood Without Banners (behind bars). Gendry hates the Brotherhood for selling him away. Thoros appeals to Jorah Mormont who hates Tormund because he is a wildling and Tormund reciprocates the feeling because of his father being Jeor Mormont. Jon claims “we’re all on the same side ” whilst stood in front of the jail bars divided the group. They go beyond the wall. 



Jon’s Northern Avengers are united for the next two minutes. They look like the world’s most angry boyband, talking about how much girls don’t like them and how they are going to save the world from wights.  They can be called “Take That (White Walker to Daenerys)”


Other shit this week:
Cersei berates EVERY single one of her supporters. It’s very unfair, Jaime is only trying to help.

Gendry is renamed Clovis, which is actually the name of the world’s first ever cough-mixture  infused loaf of bread. Buy now.  

Arya finds Littlefinger’s note hidden in his bedsheets– like he is a teenage boy with a copy of one of Davos’s Razzles. The note says:“Fuck off Arya. P.S. I’m wanking at the time of writing this”
New Westeros Porn DVD released called: Two Queens – one crown. It’s really hot (literally – so much fire).
Battle Of The Bastards Part 2 is now available: Gendry and Jon try and out-bastard each other to see who is the most ROYAL bastard. 


Thank you for reading. Please share with your friends or enemies.
See you next week

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 4: The Spoils Of War

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 4 

The Spoils Of War

Game Of Thrones is increasingly becoming harder and harder to write for. What was meant to be a short blog, has now turned into an epic odyssey (larger and longer than the books some may say) as so much content happens every week. This week was unrelenting and barbaric, like Sandor Clegane at KFC buffet. Let’s get our Spoils of war

Spoilers, once again.

High and Low gardens

Jaime is on the road again after sacking Highgarden and eradicating the Tyrells. Come on Jaime, their crisps aren’t that bad. The Lannisters had taken all of the Tyrell gold (that they had earned from the crisps) and they need to use it for their own gain. Admittedly Jaime wants to use it to fund his debut rap album “Bitchez In Tha Gene Pool” under his pseudonym Golden Spank. Unfortunately for Westeros, this money is going to pay for the debts and the back of the Iron Bank. The Lannisters always pay their debts, (even if the APR percentage is really high).  They also pay their debts to ex-pop stars, like Bronn.

Bronn and Jaime discuss money and the battle, but it’s keeping hard to keep up with the ever moving plot.  Bronn asks him how the battle went and Jaime says “I’ll save my confessions for the high Septor”. Bronn replies “There is no more high septor – he died last season”. It’s hard to keep up with Westerosi events, but then again if your sister does blow up a political building, leading to the destruction of a religious institute and the death of the current queen which forces the suicide of your son: you might remember that.

They discuss money. Apparently to Jaime the more money you have the more it weighs and the more it gets you down- but he could literally be talking about how heavy his hand is. This shows his privilege as he is saying this to Bronn, a man who has had to kill men for breadcrumbs (and once for a cadbury’s crème egg). 

Sidenote: It’s odd that Bronn is seen wearing eyeliner a lot in the episode, making him look like a budget Captain Jack Sparrow albeit less nautical and with less mental health issues. Bronn wears a lot of eyeliner for a man who prides himself on being the manliest man that ever has been manly. I’m not criticising the fact that he is wearing it or mocking his masculinity, but I’m criticising the fact that he would rip the shit out of anyone else who wore eye-liner; but because Bronn wears it, he pretends its RuPaul’s war-paint.

Bronn complains about not having a castle and Jaime says he can have a castle after the war – but Bronn complains again that it won’t be peaceful under Cersei‘s dominion: 

Jaime argues “Well, Stranger Things have happened”. Bronn retorts “Well yes – but I don’t see how the Netflix show has anything to do with this war”? Jaime facepalms, forgetting he has a cold golden hand and knocks himself out cold.

The scene then moves into a discussion with the Iron Banker as Cersei pays the entire debt in one go. Her credit score vastly improves (that being the number one issue on Westeros’ mind). Mark Gatiss compliments her by saying “I thought your father was an effective and efficient man – but you seem to redefining those terms entirely”. Cersei fundamentally agrees, she is redefining what it means to be a man by being a woman (IT’S PC GONE MAD).

The Banker approves of Cersei’s quick way of getting money, despite the trouble caused and he says “I approve of arithmetic not sentiment”. Which eerily  sounds like my parents trying to explain to me where all of my belongings have gone, when they sold everything as soon as I went to university (jokes on them – I did a drama degree and now I live with them forever).

The scene ends by the Iron Bank discussing using The Golden company for their operations. The Banker says “The Golden Company have helped clients whom have fell into deep arears”. Cersei mishears and replies with a confused? “Deep rears? But Renly has been dead for years!”

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLEFINGER

Bran and Littlefinger sit in a room to compete for the title of ‘Most annoying character’, with Ed Sheeran coming tightly in third. Littlefinger tries to manipulate Bran by trying to create ample conversation: “You know that time when I tried to murder you? Good times! Do you foresee me making out with Sansa?.. Erm. What? No- I didn’t say anything. Ahem.  To distract you- I mean THANK you- here is the blade I tried to murder you with”.

Bran asks, like a man on jazz cigarette, “Who did this dagger belong to?” Littlefinger says that question was the question which started the War Of The 5 Kings. It actually wasn’t - the question that DID kick it all off was: “Wouldn’t Sean Bean’s head look really nice on the floor?”

The title match for Westeros' biggest tosser is still raging on. 

Bran is really odd. He is both this mystical creature which it is rarely understood and he offers these wise and stoical sentiments. But he is also a teenager (which is in itself a mystical creature which is rarely understood) creating the grumpy and rude foreseer of the future: “Do I HAVE to help the war against the white walkers? ITS SO NOT FAIR BEING THE THREE EYED RAVEN”. I bet he uses his visions to look at boobs and prank call people in the past. He is like an emo Legolas. He utilises this attitude by being emotionless and trying to look cool in front of Meera Reed when she decides to leave. He is tactless and a bit of a nob.

Meera: Ah you don’t need me anymore.

Bran:  No I don’t.

Pause

MEERA: No its fine. I’m fine. You don’t need me anymore after I carried your ungrateful arse across 1000 miles of tundra getting my brother killed and my only company wasa squirrel girl and a man who only know a single word.

Bran: Well you took your sweet time. I think I saw you leave now and close the door on the way out

For as much as Bran sees, he doesn’t see how it comes across as a bit of a tit.

Maester Wolkan builds Bran a chair which moves around with wheels. He is calling it the ‘Chair with wheels on’. He is taking it to Dragon’ Den soon (literally). Whilst it is a great idea, sadly for bran, Winterfell isn't remotely wheelchair friendly and doesn’t have any disability ramps. To make it worse for Bran, the only place he wants to go is covered with thick snow which renders the chair useless.. He still carries his Blue badge with him though.

FAMILY LOVE (not in the gross way)

It’s the STARK FAMILY REUNION (except the ones who are dead or who are bastards)-  Probably should get that on a banner. A Stark family reunion really lives up to it’s name – there are no party poppers, balloons, or cakes – just people in grey clothes talking about wolf pelts.  I wonder what they would even talk about at a proper family reunion – they haven’t seen each other for ages. It would just be silence for 45 minutes followed by the conversation topic of: “Remember that time Bran broke his legs lol?”

Arya gets a Lady’s welcome by being told to fuck off repeatedly and getting a punch thrown at her by a man in an ill-fitting hat.  I empathise with Arya, as I did a gig very similar to that last Friday. But she met her sister in a very emotional reunion:

Arya: Do I have to call you Lady stark now?          
Sansa: Yes.

I shed a tear. Sansa wakes up her emotion software to feign some compassion. She claims she is happy to see Arya but says: “When Jon sees you – his heart will probably stop”. JESUS – I HOPE IT DOESN’T – WE JUST GOT HIM BACK!

Arya and Sansa catch-up and start gossiping about their past:

Arya:     *teehee* I heard you killed Joffrey.       
Sansa:   Omg lol – *Teehee* - I didn’t but I TOTES WOULD.           
Arya:    *teehee* Rofl I was angry that I DIDN’T do it. He was on my deathlist!    
Sansa:   YOU HAVE A DEATH LIST TOO!?                 
Arya:     We have matching deathlists! How cute lol *teehee*     
Sansa:   Lol – we could be sisters or something! *Teehee*

This is the most amount of Starks in a single place there has been for a long time. The last time there were as many Starks, they were all on Lord Frey’s floor during a wedding.

DragonPWN on Dragonstone

Back on Dragonstone, Missandei misses Grey Worm’s really romantic vibe and she talks to her Queen.

Dany: What happened between you too?            
Missandei: Many things.               
Dany: Oh, MANY THINGS…I wonder what that means ;) ;) ;)        
Pause
Missandei: Cunnilingus, Dany. Obviously.                             
Dany: Oh.            
Missandei: Get your shit together Dany.

Dany and Jon go to look at Dragonglass in a cave whilst stealing the Jurassic Park theme song. Jon has a romantic charm in the cavern. What’s his deal with getting it on with powerful women inside caves? Daenerys may get to deploy her new catchphrase on Jon.

Dany: Best get to work Jon Snow.            
Jon: On what?   
Dany: On many things ;)                
Pause.
Jon: You mean Cunnilingus right?

Dany proposes Jon bends the knee (not in the romantic way). They leave the cave to found out about Casterley Rock and the unfortunate case with the Lannister. Daenerys is furious. Davos, after having a quick piss in the sea asks “Do you want us to leave you to it?”, but Dany barks back “NO STAY” and complains to her advisors. This is like when your friends are arguing and you are at their house: you want to leave but they are aggressively hospitable and won’t let you go. They continue to argue and so you just want to cry in a corner until it’s all over (also happened to me at a gig last Friday).

Dany asks Jons whether she should use her dragons. Jon says nobly: “Don’t use the dragons – stand for hope not for hate. Be the person you want to be and stand for righteousness and justice.  Also HBO’s budget really can’t handle it”. Daenerys smirks and flashes David Benioff and Dan Weiss’ credit card and says “Bitch please”.

Whilst on Dragonstone, Missandei raps up their scene by asking about Jon’s name. He’s not a legitimate son, so he is named Snow. And she asks:  

Miss: Why are you called snow?                
Jon: Well, I’m a Bastard.                
Miss: I know, but why are you called Snow?

A Song of mostly Fire, Oh my god, there is so much fire (and ice).

Finally, we arrive at the bit that everyone was talking about: Davos getting off with Missandei behind the bike shed. No – but we arrive back at the Lannister camp, where all the soldiers are reading DailyMail and punching poor people (I may have an ill-informed view on the Lannisters). Bronn and Jaime are polishing their hubris and then they hear a rumble in the distant. What sounds like a bunch of Ewoks coming in the distant- is actually a herd of Dothraki (who are a more savage and less groomed version of Ewoks).

This Dothraki horde races towards to battle. The Lannisters get into formation and are cocky with this. Then a dragon appears. It scorches the Lannister army and their copies of the Express. You know it’s a good Game Of Thrones episode when all the horses are running away from the battle like: “nah mate – fuck this like” and bolt off.

Dany is riding a dragon like an extreme game of Quidditch and it decimates their army with fire. All the soldiers are hurt by the Drogon’s flames, except Jaime and Bronn who are wearing a special piece of protective clothing called “Plot Armour*”  (*It only works up to the wrists for Jaime).

Very similar to a gig I did last Friday. 

The fire and blood is gruesome, but if nothing else, this episode is a very good advert for Gaviscon. Imagine how much better that dragon will feel after some Pepto-Bismol. But I imagine the Dragonfire isn’t very green – Dragons emit a lot of Greenhouse gasses. I think that’s why the Lannister men are screaming in this scene: “OH MY GOD – THIS BATTLE IS NOT CARBON NEUTRAL” says the guard, whilst his flesh is on fire.

Bronn and Jaime decide to take out the dragon with the Ballista but it’s on the other side of the world’s most authentic game of “The floor is lava”. For the first time in Jaime’s life since losing his hand, he was glad for it to be gone as he says “Oh sorry Bronn mate – I can’t fire it one-handed. You need to do it”. Bronn says something rude/northern and goes to do it. 

Bronn has to cascade his way through the death and makes his way to the ballista. He loses his money on the field, and I thought he was going to have a Gollum moment and go to grab the money, even though certain-death waited (I wouldn’t have minded).  But Bronn loads up the Ballista and shoots at the dragon. It was one of these moments where I don’t want either of them to be hurt, but they are inevitably both going to end in misery.

Bronn releases the bolt and hits the dragon shoulder blade.  What is it with creatures that Daenerys’ loves being hit in the shoulder? Khal Drogo got killed by an innocuous blow to his shoulder… and this dragon is called DROGO- OH PLEASE DON’T DIE ON US.  You know that you’re slightly psychopathic if you’re able to watch hundreds of men being slaughtered, maimed and burnt alive and not bat an eye lid; but you get emotion and lose your shit a single horse loses its foot or a dragon gets hit. My priorities are slightly skewed.

The second family reunion of the episode doesn’t go as well as the Starks, as Jaime and Tyrion aren’t able to reconnect due to the fact that they were on opposing sides of the war and a dragon rudely interrupts their greetings. Dany gets off Drogon to dislodge the bolt and Jaime rushes to murder her as he tries to relive his youth by killing the Mad Targaryen Leader when their back is turned.  This wasn’t an episode of winners, but people who didn’t die as bad. Jaime gets rugby tackled out of the way of Dragonfire, and he slowly drowns, looking like RLNI campaign. Will he do a Jon Snow and come back to life or will he make his cameo in a very dark version of Finding Nemo?

OTHER SHIT THIS WEEK

Westeros’ PETA division is not happy and decides to sue Bronn for mythical animal cruelty.  
 

Bron laughs at Dickon Tarly (*teehee*) for his funny name. He also laughs at Todger Tyrell, Frey Willy, and Grey Worm as well.

Sansa says to Arya “We’ve had unpleasant stories but our stories aren’t over yet”. 
George RR Martin laughs maniacally, rubs his hands and starts typing lightning speed ten words per hour. Winds Of Winter due out in 2112.

Brienne spars with Arya and askes who taught her. She smarmily replies “No One” and winks to camera. Brienne says “No, but seriously though. Pack it in, who taught you?”.

Jaime poses on the cover of Nirvana’s album.

Some cut lines of the script have been recovered.

Davos: What do you think of her Daenerys

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: seen you staring at her good heart. 
Jon: (whispers) I heard she does many things…

Davos: (shouts) Cunnilingus?!!!

Thanks for reading - see you next week!

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 3- The Queen's Justice

BEND THE KNEE
A Game Of Thrones blog by Matt Hoss

Series 7 Episode 3: THE QUEEN'S JUSTICE

Another week another blown mind. I’m more excited than Joffrey is with a group of prostitutes and a loaded crossbow (who isn't?). The title of this blog was mentioned a lot by Daenerys and Jon this episode, meaning that the writers and the cast REALLY like my blog. They were saying things like “Please- BEND THE KNEE” in attempt to get more people to read the blog. Thank you for the support from HBO – appreciate it. Let’s get cracking with  Episode 3.

SPOILERS- OBVIOUSLY

What a drag-on.

Jon Snow arrives in Dragonstone to meet Daenerys Targaryen whilst accompanied by lots of major characters here (4 of the POV characters in the books in the same room) and it feels like a crossover episode. It’s weird how they all interact, as everyone in Westeros has history with each other. Series 7 is just an awkward machination of characters being in the same room as people they fucked over previously, but now they are awkwardly asking for help (which is an apt metaphor for the current Brexit negotiations).

Jon arrives (apparently sailing from Winterfell to Dragonstone before Bran gets from Castle Black to Winterfelland Dany’s armies getting from Dragonstone to Casterley Rock before Bran does- but that’s not for me to say) and meets Tyrion. Last time Jon saw Tyrion he was pissing off the edge of the wall. Unfortunately since that time, he has pissed off a lot more of Westeros. 

Don't think about the maths and logistics too much. The writers didn't. 

Jon steps on the land and relinquishes his weapons, and Dothraki steal his boat instantly- Jon gets annoyed but Davos, Westeros’ Favourite Geordie,  tries to chat up Missandei by talking about the Tyne Bridge. It must be odd to be back at Dragonstone with another king –Davos hasn’t really had a great track record for backing the right horses/ or King's who have long faces like horse.

Tyrion and Jon discuss about awkward things, like how Tyrion married his sister. And this develops into a battle about who has done the best things since they last met.

Tyrion: I was framed for killing the king.

Jon:  Well I stopped a Wilding invasion and became Lord Commander of the Nights Watch. Tyrion:YEAH WELL I KILLED MY DAD 

Jon: YEAH WELL I WAS KILLED AND  BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE AND BECAME KING

Tyrion: WELL I GREW A BEARD

Pause

Jon: I once had sex with a girl

In the meantime Melisandre and Varys talk elegantly and with aloofness, like they are from a Tolkien novel but far more smug. Varys bitches to about Melisandre and acts like a sassy teenage cheerleader and Melisandre is obviously the goth kid who is into weird sacrifice shit. One thing that always bothers me about Varys is that he has his hands in his chest pockets all the time. This is done either because it makes him look mysterious and powerful or that his hands are freezing all the time. Just buy some gloves mate.

Then Dany and Jon meet in the throne room, and “Ice and Fire” have met (they must have REALLY enjoyed my blog from last week). But  DANY is sitting on the most awkward Throne ever – it’s just a lump of Limestone. How did they even get it into the Throne room? They need to hire a better interior decorator.

In this scene, Daenerys looks eerily similar to the meme, Minor Mistake Marvin. Very similar expressions:

Should not have shagged Daario Neharis. 

Missandei gives Daenerys an extraordinary and extravagant introduction with her full titles: “This is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, MOTHER OF DRAGONS, QUEEN OF THE ANDALS AND BREAKER OF CHAINS”.  Davos simply replies “This is Jon Snow, pet".

Davos is great in this episode as he is such an unsung onion (knight). He is great at two things: doing emotive powerful speeches on behalf oftheir leader to convince the other party to assist their goal. The second thing is keeping the shareholders at Newcastle Brown ale very happy. But Davos has this sweet and charming rhetoric that it could get Theresa May to vote SNP it could get Corbyn to buy a seat on a train; or it could get Nigel Farage to not vote BNP. But he also seemingly has the dad-like quality of embarrassing Jon Snow by almost mentioning that he had died. Jon was like “DAVOS- don’t embarrass me in front of my cool young, new friends. REGENERATING IS SO NOT COOL”.

“Euron Cersei! Please get off of her”.

Euron is loved potentially for the first time in his life, as he captures Yara/Asha/potentially Lily Allen during the battle and forces her to wear a leash around her neck. It definitely has a “Jabba’s palace/Leia Slave girl" feel to it. This isn't PURELY for the fact that Yara/Asha/potentially Lily Allen/Princess Leia tribute actis dressed up in that way; it's mostly because Euron is a slimy worm that can't speak great English, so their double act unites perfectly. He cements this by saying “this adoration is making me hard”. YOU ARE TALKING YOUR NIECE WHOM IS ON A LEASH – you can probably find a better moment to mention it.  

Euron goes to claim his price by riding his horse into a throne room like a shit wrestler.  The Mountain is wearing Greyjoy armour in his honour. In all fairness his dead skin  matches the black armour so it really suits him.

Euron is ecstatic about his prize and reward.

Euron: I gift you something no one else could get!

Cersei:  Justice?

Euron: No THREE HOT BABES!

Pause
Jaime: Dude! One of them is your niece!

Euron: Like you have an issue with being attracted to hot family members.

The entirety of King’s Landing pukes.

Euron expected a lot more from Cersei for his exploits. Cersei forgot about his "price" this and has to let him down gently.

Euron: I got you a gift 

Cersei: You are a great friend of the Lannister

Euron: I thought we were going to be more than friends ;) 

Cersei: Look, I like you, but as a friend. I see you more like a brother. I think it would affect our friendship too much. Really it’s not you….   

Jaime: IT’S ME!

Despite being in the friendzone, Euron doesn’t care and uses his right hand to gesture his love for the people – Jaime is instantly jealous. To add to this Euron askes for sex advice from Cersei’s brother/lover. I mean – Game of thrones never really stops being itself does it? By which I mean, that Cersei and Jaime work hard at keeping their title of “Number 1 Incest team in Westeros”.

Cersei also works hard on her Annie Lennox Tribute act in the dungeon where she tortures and murders the final Sand-Snake in front of her mum. She does so by replicating by transferring the poison via a kiss. Well she isn’t dead yet – maybe it wasn’t an assassination attempt but she is just being really friendly? The rest of Westeros could possibly take on board Cersei’s lovely habits slowly. What a lovely a not frightening woman.

I don't know any Annie Lennox songs so I don't know what to put here. 

TYRI-JON

Brooding on a mountain on Dragonstone, Jon even on the hottest day in Westeros still doesn’t take off his fucking coat. Tyrion and Jon talk in very frank terms and it’s an endearing scene. They have both gone through awful things, for example: they both have beards now.

Tyrion says, in defence of Daenerys: “Children are not their fathers”. This is really necessary as everyone on that Island has LOADS of really bad and hugely unresolved daddy issues. There is a 70% chance one of them will either become a stripper or a stand-up comedian, depending on how severe their problems are.  

Jon tries to land a deal for Dragonglass which is crucial for the future of the war. Tyrion tries to convince Dany  to give some over. He convinces her by saying “Never believe a thing just because you want to believe it”. That’s like me wishing that this series will have a happy ending (not like that). There is no chance of a nice and happy conclusion- in fact the end will just have the George RR Martin laughing at us for ten minutes whilst we sob our hearts out.

Dany catches Davos' suspicious comment about Jon dying, but Tyrion attempts to reassure her by saying “You must allow their flights of fancy – it’s dreary in the north”. That line is now currently being used on posters for the Yorkshire tourism board.

Dany meets Jon agrees to help whilst coining a new catchphrase to be directed to Jon. She says “You better get to work Jon Snow” -replacing the old "You know nothing Jon Snooooow". Ygritte is turning in her grave (because she is probably a White Walker).

BRANSA

Sansa is doing a good job of being an efficient leader by having no emotion and being general cold (in both attitude an literal temperature). Littlefinger follows her around like a puppy who has tried to hump your leg one too many times. Baelish was seen as this wise, master of words in the first couple of series. But now Sansa has seen some shit so she lays into him and giving him lots of brutal heckle put downs. Every time he opens his mouth, she puts him down. Every time. About time as well – Littlefinger is incredibly ambitious to try and hit on her ALL THE TIME despite after murdering her father and aunty and cousin. Note to guys: Don’t try this seduction technique at the nightclub.

But then Bran returns to Winterfell. But he couldn’t give a flying fuck. Finally he realises what it is like for us to read his chapters in the books. It was like he has just come home from his gap year and he thinks that he is enlightened, hipster and really cool now. Like Ed Sheeran. Also like Ed Sheeran, they are both tossers and should appear less in this show. 

Could. Not. Give. A . FUCKKKK.

Bran attempts to explain what has happened to him for 5 seasons, but truly Sansa speaks on behalf of us:

Bran: I’m the three-eye raven 

Sansa: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

Not a truer word said. Bran goes onto talk about his powers.

Bran: I SEE EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE AT EVERYTIME

Sansa: So you watch me in the shower then

Bran: No comment

Bran then tactlessly discusses Sansa’s wedding night and Sansa understandably leaves and gets upset. However, it does beg to wonder: How the hell is Bran going to get back inside? It’s very cold old there and he is by himself– he might freeze to death if no one moves him. Bet he didn’t see that coming- Three eyed prick.

Bran is disgusting. What is he doing with his hands?

Give us a Mormont of your time?

We see more of Jorah, Sam and Jim Broadbent in Old Town, where Sam disobeyed orders to cure Jorah’s incurable Greyscale. Old Town is one of the most boring names in Westeros. There are epic places like WINTERFELL, KING’S LANDING , THE DREADFORT and there is also Oldtown. George RR Martin must have had a bit of an off-day.

We see Jorah’s Dragonpox clearing up really nicely, and as way of helping Sam out, he lies in his reasons why the Greyscale has cleared up. Jorah’s excuse, bless him, for the greyscale clearing up was that he ‘got some rest' and 'the weather’. Using two things that you ahve been using since having the disease did the trick to cure the fatal disease.. It’s not a hangover mate –it’s one of the most incurable diseases in the universe! Having a rest and if it's humid isn’t exactly helpful to any problems. If  Jorah was sat in a burning building and he'd think the ideal solution is to ‘have a nap and whack on the dehumidifier’ as the flames consume him. 

Jim Broadbent (played the actor Archmaester Ebrose) sees through this façade and goes on to bollock Sam later on. However he commends Sam for saving this man’s life despite the odds. The entire fanbase is shocked that Sam didn’t fuck it up for once. More shocking than the Red Wedding. But the power and status of the Sam is reduced once again by being forced to write out things. Samwell Tarly will be like Bart Simpson writing on a blackboard saying “I WILL NOT CARRY OUT LIFE-SAVING PROCEDURES TO FATAL CASES EVER AGAIN”. I’m 90% sure that was actually a story in the Simpsons already.

Jorah is so grateful for Sam to do this for him and they part on a genuinely touching moment. Jorah says: “I hope our paths cross again” . Sam replies with “Next time you get Greyscale – let me know!” and they end the conversation with the most hands-on handshake ever.

You sure that Greyscale isn't contagious?

Between a Casterley Rock and High(Garden) place

Tyrion finds a way to get Grey Worm and the Unsullied into Casterley Rock whilst quoting Bronn: “Give me 10 good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch”. Tyrion was actually taking the quite out of context as Bronn said this whilst talking about his polyamorous wedding vows.

They say that Casterley Rock has never been taken and it is impregnable, but literally after a two minute scene, it’s taken over. Didn’t really put up much of a fight really. Also Highgarden was taken over really quickly as well. Where are the epic battles and the clash of steel? HBO’s budget must be focused on spending elsewhere: maybe on Hot Pie’s food expenses, eternal fake snow machines or may be getting Littlefinger on some fucking accent training.

Yes everyone is taking over a different castle. It’s just surreal to not see The Starks so utterly screwed over in every scene (I’m not counting my blessings yet- I’ve got a tenner on Bran being eaten by Drogon in the next episode).

Jaime takes over Highgarden and confronts Olenna Tyrell, the last thorn in the Tyrell garden, one which has been stuck in the Lannister Lion’s paw for all too long. Olenna accepts her defeat graciously and asks for report on how her team did. This is strange as Olenna gets the match summary from the man who just butchered her team.  It’s like whenever my dad watches football – he supports Leeds United and he has to see his team butchered on a weekly basis - it would be him getting the results from Manchester United players (I don't know sports well). 

Olenna, like a true legend, she is sassy to the end:

Jaime: There are always lessons in failure

Olenna: You must be very wise by now.

I’m surprised she didn’t say “You have bested us at Highgarden… you’re a great military leader- I’ve got to hand it to you”. Savage. She is like Raymond’s mum on Everyone Loves Raymond, and she interacts to every other character in Westeros as if they are Raymond’s wife.

Jaime chats to Olenna about her sister and openly poisons Olenna’s wine and they agree this is the best way to do it. So like a #Lad, Olenna necks it like a fresher and downs her wine. Olenna is a true baller as she goes out in the most badass way possible. She drinks her poison, and hastily mentions that she killed Jaime’s son. 

“Whoops! Sorry – should have mentioned this earlierbut ONE LAST THING! I TOTALLY KILLED YOUR SON – BYE! *Dies*”. Olenna: putting the TROLL into Tyrell (nearly).

Other Shit this week:

Theon was saved from his watery prison and people mock him for not helping Yara/Asha/Possibly Lily Allen/Princess Leia tribute act. Theon claims that he did all he could to save her. It’s true – just check out this conclusive evidence of him helping out!

Cersei plans on taking down a dragon by kissing it on the lips or by sleeping with it. Both prove effective.

Sam’s other punishment is clean up all the dragon shit from Dragonstone.

Davos sticks his middle finger to the Lannisters: literally. He takes out the finger bone from his necklace in the disturbing gesture of defiance.

Joffrey’s obituary written by Lady Olenna. Reading as  “He really was a cunt wasn’t he”. Westeros jerks a tear and admits to the truth.

Cersei goes very right-wing during her meeting with the banker from Braavos. She says “Well we are Lannisters – We also pay back our debts. Unlike Daenerys, her free slaves or students”. Mark Gatiss agrees with her.

If you enjoy this, please let your friends know about it please! As Tyrion says: ““It takes no time to Bend The Knee”. See you next week.

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 2 - Stormborn

Bend The Knee – Matt Hoss' Game Of Thrones Blog

Series 7 Episode 2: STORMBORN

What a bumperpack episode! I had planned to keep it a lot lighter after last week’s behemoth blog, but like a dead Clegane, I come back alive with a vengeance.  Spoilers ahead. Enjoy and please share with your friends!

Eye of the Stormborn

We start where episode one finished, with Dany and her advisors around Stannis’ old War table. Remember Stannis? Rack your brains. He’s the one… you know… the grumpy king? Not that one. He was the one who burnt his only daughter alive for a battle he didn’t even win.  Remember? That seems so long ago. Remember when the worst thing in Westeros was Joffrey hitting a chubby baker’s boy? Or when Sansa’s Direwolf was put down. The story is far darker now. Shit has got real. Game Of Thrones is essentially mirroring real-life in that aspect. The two worlds share many similarities; in fact only difference between real-life and Game Of Thrones, is that with Game Of Thrones there is a chance that I might be able to see boobs. It’s a small chance we can but hope.

Daenerys Targaryen discusses what type of Queen she should be in this coming invasion. Daenerys claims that she doesn’t want to be “Queen of the Ashes”. This is a good thing really, as she never plays cricket and she’d be rubbish playing against Australia. She won’t be “Queen of the Ashes” but she is at the very least Queen of “Over-long and unnecessary hard-to-spell names”.

Varys and Daenerys have a stormy encounter. It was a close shave for a man who has literally has a close shave. Varys has to lie for his life and say that his intentions is to help the common people, which he says whilst wearing an expensive silk gown: you don’t see many of those in Flea Bottom do you?  Varys channels his inner-Corbyn and he attempts to claim to be working for the many, for all the common people. Next we’ll be seeing Varys with the hashtag #GrimeforVarys, eating Pringles on youtube and doing headline speech Glastonbury festival (at least he will better than fucking Ed Sheeran).  He almost sounds Marxist with his rhetoric – well as Marxist as you can get with a Queen with three dragons who plans for total domination.

Dany entirely mistrusts Varys and almost kills him but she gives him a final chance to prove loyalty and Varys swears his allegiance.  However the dialogue in this scene sounds like they are doing their own take of the Dirty Dancing classic: “Time Of My Life”.

Dany: Do you swear your loyalty to me Varys?   
Varys: (Sings) I Swear. It’s the truth.       
Dany: And I swear this: if you betray me, I’ll burn you alive.     
Awkward Pause               
Varys: AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOOOOUUUU!

Less romantic than the initial version. Not as catchy.

This scene with Dany ends with by having a meeting with Melisandre. Moments after being blamed for not being loyal enough, Varys has a go at Melisandre for not being loyal enough, which really goes against the argument he just made of 'being for the peopl'. What a turncoat bellend. Melisandre worships the Lord Of Light. This religion is quite extreme and quite annoying. The Red Priests are like Jehovah’s Witnesses but with more fire and necromancy, but less door knocking. Swings and roundabouts.

GOT gets more liberal this week. After last week’s episode having a ‘woman’ on screen (Bloody Liberal snowflakes), they decided to go a step further. They discuss “The Prince That Was Promised” but they state that the terminology of Prince is gender neutral, meaning that it could be applicable to Daenerys. IT’S PC GONE MAD. What’s going to happen next week? Daenerys and her band of FEMINAZIS give up on total dominance AND JUST TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS? Instead of killing all the men in a battle for the Iron Throne, Daenerys decides to kill everyone by giving an 28 point lecture on Feminist theory and intersectionality. IT’S BLOODY PC GONE MAD. (N.B. I feel like Alex Jones when I write in caps)

There was actually a deleted scene for the Melisandre scene and in an effort to recreate it: I’ve typed up the script here for you and it goes like this.

Melisandre: Welcome to Dragonstone! 
Dany: We’ve just set up in the war room.                             
Melisandre: (Panic) You haven’t touched the war-table have you?!         
Dany: Of course I have, we’ve started our plans. Is there a reason why I shouldn’t have touched it?
Melisandre: Err no reason. Definitely did not have mad lustful sex with a king of Westeros resulting with me giving birth to a shadow assassin which was sent to kill King Renly. No reason.              
(Tyrion slowly rubs his hands with sexual deviancy) 
 

"Shit. They totally know"

Melisandre gives the suggestion to meet up with King of the North, Jon Snow (Westeros’ saddest king), as he could be a great ally. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING- JON AND DAENERYS will meet! They can join forces and be Westeros’ finest double act. They can call themselves “A Song of Ice and Fire” and wear the appropriate spandex. I’m personally looking forward to their meeting as it could be an epic alliance OR it could be Westeros’ next batch of hot incest love. Fingers crossed!

Talking about potentially awkward family reunions, Tyrion sends a raven from Dragonstone to Winterfell to relay this message. Sansa, his ex-wife, received this message and mutters “He doesn’t text or call for two years and now he wants an alliance! Typical! Alimony first – then we’ll talk”. But it is worthwhile to mention that they are technically still married. They both kinda forgot to annul the marriage due to the fact that they were both fleeing from the capital as fugitives for Joffrey’s death and they were both too busy escaping, becoming heartbroken and getting so powerful so they can enact their revenge on Cersei to call each other. Pretty busy, but pretty similar schedule. Maybe they don’t need a divorce after all!

How to train your Dragon (to receive Ballista bolts in the forehead)

Westeros’ best Claire Underwood impersonator, Cersei Lannister sits in the Throne room trying to deal with the people scared about dragons. Being a cold-blooded creature herself, she understands why they could be scared of terrifying monsters. She receives a lot of angry and accusing questions asking how will she deal with the problem, and she gives unsatisfying replies. It’s essentially like watching Question Time but David Dimbleby has been replaced with a 7 foot tall resurrected corpse 

who can crush a man's skull (like normal Question Time).

Maester Qyburn (Arch-Nemesis of the Smurfs) attempts to provide a solution to the infestation of giant fire lizards by taking the Queen into the basement. Creepy. In fact this one of the creepiest places in Westeros. The only other place to beat THIS LEVEL of creepiness is any room with Littlefinger in it.

These giant and priceless skulls are tactlessly shot at with a giant crossbow which Qyburn has organised. Qyburn asks Cersei to “pull the lever” of the Ballista. Unfortunately this is his version of “Pull my finger” and farts in front of the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms instead of firing a bolt.  After profusely apologising, he creates a plan to kill dragons. Meanwhile Jaime meets the Randall Tarly’s unfortunately named son: Dickon. Don’t ask how he got that name.

War. What is it good for? (Destroying Lannisters)

The war talks  begin with Dany and her potential allies. What is great here is that all of the leaders and the people in charge of the war plans are women. IT’S PC GONE MAD AGAIN – THE DAILY MAIL WILL WRITE ABOUT THIS! OBVIOUSLY ONLY MEN CAN CREATE CHAOS AND START WARS.

These fierce and highly dangerous women discuss how to take over Westeros and they do it well as they plan to take over King’s Landing and Casterley Rock. It’s like Westeros’ version of Loose Women, but the only thing that is ‘loose’ is a bowstring, as an arrow flies towards your face (presumably for making the comparison to Loose Women).

50 Shades Of Grey Worm:

This episode refocuses our attention on Westeros’ most boring romance between Dany’s advisors: Missandei (runner-up in the ’Over-long and unnecessarily hard-to-spell names’ competition) and Grey Worm (runner-up to the Bald Eunuch of the Year Award, behind Varys). Finally, the Unsullied finally gets sullied (I don’t know what that means) and starts his courtship with Missandei. And that is putting politely. It was rather a steamy scene and it looks like they were making music video for Foreigner “I want to know what love is”. Seriously: it works so well. Watch it below. VERY MUCH NSFW.

My mum watched this scene and she said to me afterwards:      
“Ooh, I loved that scene, I really wanted to see what he was packing down there”. That’s my mother who said that. I only threw up 3 times.  But obviously the response to that was “Well – he is called Grey Worm for a reason”.

This explicit scene ends with Grey Worm saying “Shall we take this to the War Table?”.                       

A new feature of this blog series is to count a running total of boobs throughout the series:

Current Series Boob Count (CSBC)

2 (excluding Littlefinger)

Arya Kidding me?

Arya follows in her father’s footstep and takes on Sean Bean’s miserable demeanor for the whole episode. She even stays miserable when she meets old friend HOT PIE! He’s back (N.B. Hot Pie was originally my stripper name). Despite lack of grace whilst Arya wolfs (pun intended) down her free food, the pair catch up.

Hot Pie: What have you been up to?       
Arya: I was blind for a bit, moved to Braavos to become an assassin, and killed the entire Frey house in one fell swoop. 
Hot Pie: I butter bread before baking it. It makes it taste a lot better.

One of the biggest Game Of Thrones theories was quashed in this scene as we find out that Hot Pie is NOT VEGAN. This is a shock to the devastated online community who have been conspiring on this theory for many years.

Finally they go their separate ways; Arya says “Try not to get yourself killed”. Hot Pie replies to this with “I won’t, I’m a survivor”. IDIOT. No one in Westeros has ever survived longer than 5 minutes with that being said. Either this is some blatant foreshadowing or it's a red herring and we are going to be seeing Hot Pie ride one of Dany’s dragons into battle very soon.

Arya goes into the woods and on her way up to Winterfell. We finally see what happened with Arya’s Direwolf, Nymeria. It seems that Nymeria has got a wolfpack, but Arya has not got her wolf back.  This is a very emotive scene as Arya finally found someone in this world she loves, but was rejected by it. Arya seen listening to Elliot Smith as she welcomes  adulthood into her life.

It’s funny that Arya was blank and docile whilst meeting her old albeit chubby, friend but she connects so much more to a six foot tall Direwolf which could rip her to shreds. She has a more engaging interaction with future rug than with a person that can’t tell what gender Arya is (PC GONE MAD). 

Sand Snakes and Grey Joys.

Obviously the final scene was something not to be missed. Yara Greyjoy (Although she is called Asha in the books) was getting off with Elleria Sand in a round of ‘Secondary character love-making’.  (Oh andthere was also a ship battle. BUT MORE ON THE KISSING). Theon stands watching over the two lust-birds and Elia asks Yara/Asha the following.

“Phew – what’s that smell?”       
“Reek’s in here” Yara/Asha replies.

Euron, as a member of the DUP, starts attacking the ships as he strictly against same-sex sex scenes.  An epic battle ensues and Euron eliminates the majority of the Greyjoys and Martells. Theon is fighting and then he sees Yara/Asha/Potentially Lily Allen been held hostage by their Uncle Euron. This family has some serious issues, more issues than Jeremy Kyle is qualified to deal with.

This is it. This is Theon’s chance for redemption. This is his chance to prove that he is not Reek anymore but he is a man. More than that: he is a hero. He is a champion of what is wrong and what is right AND he has just jumped off the boat in cowardice. Like a dog ashamed of pissing on the carpet, he jumps off the boat in shame.

In all fairness, I actually have a theory why he did that. Theon jumped off the boat, not because he was scared, just because he wanted to replicate his Jack/Rose moment from Titanic by himself.

Other shit this week:

Bran still trapped within his own plothole. Writers attempt to dig him out ASAP.

Jorah, after seeing Cersei’sFinnish Metal band look last week decided to go one step further and get his whole body done. Unfortunately the look he has ended up with is the budget version of The Thing from Fantastic Four.

Hearing that they are the current trend, Varys gets a topknot and is immediately called a “bald cunt” by The Hound.

Olenna Tyrell joins the ranks of Duncan Bannatyne, Deborah Meaden and Theo Paphitis, as she takes her own advice and she decided to “Be A Dragon”. If Dany fails as Queen, she’s out.

Cersei abdicates her throne to recognise the one true ruler of Westeros: Hot Pie. He is king of baking bread and making peace. His first and only policy is to butter the entirety of Westeros to make it taste better.

Thanks for reading! Please share and leave a comment! See you next week.

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 1- Dragonstone

‘BEND THE KNEE’ – With Matt Hoss

Or alternatively known as: A SONG OF MATT AND HOSS

INTRO

Season 7 of Game Of Thrones has finally been released. As a mega-fan of the series, an avid-reader of the books and having once performed an entire show about Game Of Thrones, I thought I’d give my response to each episode as they come out every week. Some people have sports to commentate upon, some have politics – I have Game Of Thrones. Aren’t you proud of my now mum? (The answer is always “I will be when you move out of my basement”).
 

This goes very deeply into spoilers for each episode, so get up to date and read/listen to this when you have watched the new episode. Enjoy, share and let me know what you think.  Valar Morghulis. 
SPOILERS AHOY!

SEASON 7 EPISODE 1- DRAGONSTONE

IT’S BACK EVERYONE. Everyone’s favourite show about murder, betrayal and lust (outside of the specifically bad Crimewatch  episode) is back.

This series promises to be hotter than saying ‘Dracarys’ to an Astaporian Slavemaster. Yes -We’ve started off niche!  And there are some really awe-striking moments in the episode:

Daenerys: “I’VE ARRIVED IN WESTEROS”
Arya: “So? I MURDERED THE ENTIRITY OF THE FREYS single-handily”
Samwell: “I cleaned shit and READ A BOOK.”

Outside of the episode, this week has been pretty focused on the news that the new Doctor Who is to be female. And there has been quite a reaction from both left-wing people who have applauded the decision and lots of people from the right who unpleasantly disagree with the fact that the Timelord is to be female. I was going to post some tweets sayinghow much a fictional programme about an alien in space has sparked such a serious reaction. I wanted to complain that it was silly how people are making such a big deal about it. However I then reminded myself I was writing about the new GOT series, and the irony of me writing a ten-part blog whilst undermining other people’s reaction to a fictional thing wasn’t exactly fair.

Overall, it was a pretty strong start to the series and it really is starting to sew the final chapters together. There were some really great moments, some real filler and there was also Ed Sheeran *groan*.

Despite going heavily off-book for a while now, I thought it was sweet that certain parts of the episode really reflected the moods and tones of the books quite heavily. Like the books, there are long passages where nothing really happens, a couple of characters chat about something banal and then the scene ends. I want to see more authentic scenes like that please.  

But it’s obvious that the show has such a more serious and sinister edge to it now as it gets into 7th season. There is no more joviality to it! Long are the days of wine, mirth and shagging. I mean there weren’t even any breasts in this episode. The show has changed maaaan. Anyway, let’s get into show analysis.

Tying up loose Freys

This season starts off with an absolute banger. The scene begins at The Twins with Lord of the Riverlands, Walder Frey, having a feast with all his many sons in his great hall. There are lots Freys in the family – whenever they get under one roof, it’s just Wall-to-Walder Freys (Pun Number 1).  There are so many Freys because Lord Walder had so many wives and thus so many children because of it. The Walder we see is a bitter, twisted old man and it begs the audience to wonder how exactly he got so many wives?! It certainly wasn’t his personality.

A lot of people say "Big dick"

But with all the Freys under one roof, they all seemed jovial, drinking wine and they don’t seem to remember the Stark infestation they had last time they were there. They don’t seem to care about the consequences. They aren’t aFREYaid (Pun Number 2). I’m sorry.

Walder stands to address his many sons, giving out kool aid/wine to his many sons. He stops a glass of wine going to his new and very underage wife and he says “Not wasting good wine on a girl”. Jeez -Apparently Walder Frey wrote a lot of those Daily Mail articles about Jodie Whitaker as well. It’s an odd comment from Walder, but there is a slim chance it could be coming from a really good place.  He could either be a) an abusive husbandor b) a concerned citizen stopping a young girl from drinking illegally. He’s not all bad!

The Freys are really bad, not because they murder a family. No they are bad because all they talk about is murdering the family; they talk about it as the only significant thing they’ve ever done in their lives.  They talk about how they butcher the Starks in their own halls- like- ALL the time, even when it's inappropriate. They bring it up constantly. They only harp on about the only significant thing they achieved. The Freys are essentially like UKIP. And like UKIP, they are all pretty much eradicated now. Yes. Poisoned by their own hubris.

Yes Arya Stark was actually disguised as Walder and murdered everyone in the room. Thank god it wasn’t Walder though, or else his track record for being a formidable party host would be torn to shreds. Imagine him trying to compete on Come Dine With Me. He would absolutely kill it.

This first scene was one of my favourites of the whole episode for a very obvious reason – Arya’s touch to traditional Frey Décor. Many people have been influenced by the show – like naming their children “Khaleesi” – but I think this might influence people more. Soon we'll be seeing dead Freys littered in every home, indicating to house guests that Winter has come, like very depressing Christmas decorations.
 

Arya is back kicking ass. She has given up the identity of “no one” mostly because she was sick of her mail always going to the wrong place. That being said, the identity of “No one” was very helpful when fighting cyclops from Greek myths. (Anyone? No?). Game Of Thrones started strong, and went onto to have some interesting following scenes.

Bran has made it back to The Wall. Well, more like Meera Reed made it to The Wall, but Bran was dragged along. Finally, after so many episodes, Bran’s story might actually have some relevance and his narrative might start paying off. This was allegorically shown with the fact that Meera Reed was literally dragging Bran back into the plot and into Castle Black, despite his wishes. But you know, leopards can’t change his spots – he is not seen for the rest of the episode (In the time for him to be seen at the wall by Edd and taken through the other side – Daenerys traveled from Essos to Dragonstone).

Take me back to the weird tree people plz

Back in (Castle) Black

We are then treated to the new King Of The North, Jon Snow (Emo Jesus) and Sansa Stark (Ginger Alanis Morrissette) making decisions about whether to pardon the sins of specific northern families. Before he does that Jon gives out orders akin to a Victorian Factory owner. He says

“We need t’mine. Everyone from age 10 to 60 will drill daily for spikes, pike and bow and arrows”.

Funnily enough, this line came directly from the 2017 Tory Manifesto. 

Lots of children are present at the meeting,as they are rulers of the house because most people in Westeros are now dead, meaning that only the children of the houses are ruling which creates a quasi-‘Lord Of The Flies’ society. In this society, wars are started over Ice Cream and settled with “My dad is stronger than your dad”, and might lead for people having their mid-life crisis at 12.
 

Jon also discusses his time as the Lord Commander- I wish he had said “Being Lord Commander of the wall seems so long ago – seems like a different life”. I’m surprised that when Jon Snow came back to life he didn’t regenerate into Catherine Tate or something (It’s not JANE SNOW). Jon Snow’s return from the dead is easily his best party trick- however imagine how bad you feel for the men who murdered him: How awkward must it be to murder a guy and have him come back to life.  You would have some real explaining to do. It’s like a cruel and incompetent boss who fires the new employee, only to find that the new employee was actually the owner of the business doing The Secret Millionaire.Abosultely gutted mate. 

I've made a huge mistake.

There is a smidgen of tension between Jon and Sansa as they both decide on what they must do and how not to be “Stark-ish” and get themselves being killed for being stupidly nice. Jon asks Sansa “Do you think I’m Joffrey”. A question with no happy answer and a question which is to appear in the new edition of Cards Against Humanity.

The VERY Red Keep

And we are back in King’s Landing where everything is in political turmoil, as the Lannister Christmas Card list get shorter and shorter. Cersei is Queen and attempts to sew a message of “Strong and Stable” despite having little control and everyone sees through her façade quite clearly (*Turns to camera and winks* AMIRITE?).

Satire is a piece of piss.

Jaime and Cersei discuss their political plays, and how they will get people to Bend The Knee. To be honest, I thought the “Bend The Knee” might be the first ever Westerosi boyband. This might be the only fucking reason why Ed Sheeran actually turned up in the fucking episode. Maybe he thinks he is still at Glastonbury? In all fairness, Westeros and Glastonbury are both muddy, have a big wall to keep out unwanted people and they both unnecessary have Ed Sheeran there.  (N.B. I don’t actually mind Ed Sheeran).

You might recognise “Bend The Knee” with hits such as “RELIGHT MY FIRE (an ode to the Hound)” “I want you back (alive- but I’m pretty sure you died four seasons ago) ” and “Ain’t no Mountain High enough – but seriously though have you seen him – he’s fucking huge”.

This musical theme is reflective with Cersei and Jaime, as they both look like musicians: Jaime, with a red scarf around his neck, looks like he is in Mumford and Sons, or a Country star who sings about shagging his sister. And Cersei is dressed like she is the singer in a Finnish Black Metal band.

Cersei is desperate for allies and she asks out to the world: “Who is here to help the Lannisters?” The leader of the Iron Islands says “Euron!!” (Pun Number 3. Doesn’t really work written down. Meant to be “You’re on”. That’s the last pun.)

Yes, Euron, the man who looks like a washed-up rock star who has had too much cocaine and not enough chart hits. He has come negotiate an alliance with The Lannisters and he attempts to do so by doing the WORST proposal ever to Queen Cersei. I mean, there was no scented candles, no flowers, and he hadn’t even organised a stringed quartet.  AND HE proposed to her in front of her current lover (not that he knew that though). To be honest, he seemed half-hearted- I don’t think he really loves her. He didn’t have a great game of seduction. Although, he said that he’d give her a 1000 new ships. What a sweetheart – It’s so sweet that I’m going to put the same offer in my Tinder profile. By offering the 1000 ships, Euron attempts makes Cersei the new Helen Of Troy (a face to launch 1000 ships). That would work, if Helen was psychopathic, and could have killed all the Trojans single handily without the horse.

Cersei flatly rejects him, and he then promises that he will return once again to prove his affection. He says: “I’ll find you the most priceless gift to prove my love”, which sparks a new Game Of Thrones RomCom in which Euron goes around the world. It would be a really cute RomCom if there wasn’t any regicide, homicide, fratricide, incest and betrayal everywhere. It would be called“50 Shades of GreyJoy”, “(500) Days of Winter” or “Punch-Drunk-Marrying-you-for-power” Coming to cinema near you soon.

Other shit this week.

Dany, after 6 seasons of titting about, finally arrives in Westeros. Finally! She better not  be like “Whoops, I left the oven on in Essos, better pop back for another 18 seasons”

Samwell Tarly is shown disposing of shit and cleaning pots at his new job at working a Swindon Travelodge (I’ve been there before).

Cersei finds out about Tyrion’s location:                                   

Cersei: "Daenerys has chosen Tyrion to be her new hand”            

Jaime: “Too soon”.

We see the White-Walkers marching towards Westeros. But they apparently carry a lot of racist views and they are very pro-Trump. So George RR Martin has renamed them “The Alt-Right Walkers” or alternatively they can be called “Literal Snowflakes”.

But her emails...

That’s all for this week – Thanks for Bending The Knee. Enjoy, share and we’ll see you next week.

Valar MorgHOSSLis,

Matt Hoss.